Using the Real Words for Private Parts Sets Children Up for Health and Safety
Chesney Kennedy, MD
Pediatrician
Boulder Medical Center
A question that I hear often in my pediatrics practice is how to pave the way for your child to have a healthy relationship with their body and an empowered, safe understanding of sexuality as they grow and develop. One of the first simple things parents can do is to use the correct terms for “private parts.” Language is powerful, and simply learning the name of a part of our body gives it importance, respect, and keeps us healthy.
For example, a teenager recently came in with her mother, both concerned she might have a serious health condition. She described a bump inside the vagina – a big, soft bump that felt like it had a hole in the center. I had a hunch about what it was, but I wanted to make sure. In the back of her vagina was a donut-shaped structure with a small hole in the center. It was her cervix….in all its normal and healthy glory! We all felt relieved. If she had been more familiar with the word “cervix” and understood its location and function, it might have eased her fears and even prevented a doctor’s visit.
Since then, whenever I do a pelvic exam, I have a mirror ready so my patient can look at her cervix and understand the proper name. The cervix is only 2-3 inches from the skin’s surface, but is enshrouded in mystery, even for its owner. It is an important part of the human body, acting as a barrier between the vagina and the uterus, protecting the uterus from infections, and expanding when it’s time for a baby to be delivered. Before the Human Papillomavirus (HPV) vaccine, the cervix was a common place for women to get cancer. Now, HPV vaccination has resulted in a 90% reduction in rates of cervical cancer if it is given before age 17!.¹
Using the “real” words for body parts isn’t limited to children assigned female at birth. During a recent check-up, a young boy described with sadness how he had been “kicked in the balls” on the playground. He called it the most painful thing that had ever happened to him, describing how he couldn’t move for several minutes afterward.
Testicles are also miraculous parts of the body, made up of extremely sensitive tissue that eventually make sperm and create the hormone testosterone, which allows boys’ bodies to develop into men’s bodies. When a boy learns about testicles, including their proper name, they can communicate more clearly about injuries or concerns, which opens the door to meaningful conversations about sensitivity and injury prevention. With this knowledge, I hope children can better understand and protect themselves — and maybe even avoid future painful playground accidents!
Teaching children the correct terms for all parts of their bodies empowers them in even bigger ways. If they have a pain or an itch, they can tell you exactly where it is. If someone touches them inappropriately, they can describe exactly what happened. Beyond safety, knowing and respecting their bodies lays the foundation for expecting that same respect from others throughout their lives. Above all, every person deserves to learn as much as possible about the wonderful body that belongs to them. After all, it’s their body. It’s normal. They were born with it. There are no parts of the body that we should have limited knowledge of or be ashamed of.
When and How to Teach Correct Body Terms
Start at Ages 2-3
When and how you teach your child the names of their private parts depends on your comfort level and personal beliefs. However, many children are ready to start learning the names of their private areas at two years of age — the same time you teach them the names of any body part.
For Ages 2+
Females: For children assigned female sex at birth, the words to teach are vulva and anus. It is common for girls of this age to get irritation caused by bacterial or yeast infections of the vulva that need to be treated, called vulvovaginitis. Avoiding fragrant bubble bath and bath bombs helps prevent this.
Males: For children assigned male sex at birth, penis, foreskin (if they are uncircumcised), testicles, and anus are the words to teach. The opening at the tip of the penis is called the meatus (“mee-ate-iss”). It’s a big word, but give it a go! The area around the meatus can sometimes become infected, which is called balanitis. For uncircumcised males, make sure to never force the foreskin down for cleaning or try to stretch the foreskin, as this can cause scarring. It will naturally come down on its own with time.
For Ages 4+
If you feel comfortable, you can add more complex words as your child ages. For females, you can add words like labia majora, labia minora, clitoris, vaginal opening, or urethral opening. Books can help by showing the inside structures such as vaginal canal, cervix, uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes.
For males, you can add the scrotum, the urethral tube (where pee comes out), the prostate gland, the seminal vesicle, and the vas deferens. Use a book to show the inside parts we can’t see.
Begin with Safety
When teaching your child the proper names for private parts, usually between 2 and 3 years of age, focus the conversation on safety, including the components below. (See recommendations for courses and children’s books about safety at the end of this article.)
- The only people who can look at their private parts are:
- A parent (or other trusted caregiver the parent approves), for toileting help, bathing, and checking painful or itchy parts.
- A health care provider (only when a parent is present) to treat an illness or for a regular check-up. During your child’s check-up, your doctor will always ask permission to examine private areas. It is perfectly fine for a child to say, “No.”
- It is never okay to touch anyone else’s private parts.
- It is never okay to hit or kick someone anywhere, including the private parts (there are some rare exceptions in a real self-defense scenario).
- It is never okay for someone to ask a child to keep a secret from their parents. Your family can have fun surprises (like birthday cake), but never secrets. Try role-playing with your child by thinking about what individuals (including same-age peers, older children, and adults) might ask your child to keep a secret from you. Write a list, practice with your child, and teach them how to respond. This will empower them and build their confidence.
- It is never okay for an adult to cross a boundary a child sets. If this happens, they should inform the closest safe adult as quickly as possible. Talk to your child about safe adults to talk to.
It is fine for your child to touch their private parts, but only in private with the door shut. I get this question a lot! Of course, this depends on your comfort and views. If your child is too young to understand (for example, a two-year-old rubbing against the living room furniture), it is fine to ignore it as long as company is not present.
The more your child knows about their body, the more empowered they are to keep themselves healthy and safe. It also paves the way for children to learn healthy boundaries and healthy relationships as they age. Use the books and courses below to help you include the names of private parts in your child’s vocabulary!
¹ Lei J et al. HPV Vaccination and the Risk of Invasive Cervical Cancer. N Eng J Med. 2020 Oct 1;383(14): 1340-1348 PMID: 32997908
Books and Courses
Be sure to read any of my recommended books first to make sure you feel comfortable with them. Below is a list of accurate and kid-friendly books. I like all of them, but you can decide what you feel comfortable with.
Courses
- Blue Sky Bridge: A school-based program focusing on body safety for kindergartners, third graders, and fifth graders. Most public schools in the Boulder Valley and St. Vrain Valley school districts incorporate this into their curricula. The program also offers courses for parents and teachers and provides crisis intervention and family support for children who have experienced sexual abuse.
- Parenting Safe Children: Courses are taught by Feather Berkower, LCSW, for parents. My patients’ parents rave about these local and online courses.
- The Unitarian Universalist Church: A secular and faith-based curriculum called “Our Whole Lives,” or OWL, that provides clear messages about self-worth, sexual health, responsibility, justice, and inclusivity. They also offer a short video for parents about supporting their children in having healthy body boundaries.
Books
- God Made All of Me: A Book to Help Children Protect Their Bodies by Justin S. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb. For ages 3-6 years
- Yes! No! A First Conversation about Consent by Madison Megan, Jessica Ralli, and Isabel Roxas. For ages 2-5 years
- Who Has What: All About Girls’ Bodies and Boys’ Bodies by Robie H. Harris. For ages 3-6 years
- It’s Not the Stork! A Book about Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends by Robie H. Harris. For ages 4-8 years
- It’s So Amazing by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberly. For ages 7-10 years
- It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, Gender, and Sexual Health by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberly. For ages 9+ years
- The Every Body Book: The LGBTQ+ Inclusive Guide for Kids about Sex, Gender, Bodies, and Families by Rachel E. Simon, LCSW. For ages 8+ years
If you or someone you know needs to report sexual abuse, contact the Boulder County Housing and Human Services Department at 303-441-1309.
About Chesney Kennedy, MD
Pediatrician in Longmont and Boulder
Dr. Chesney Kennedy is your dedicated partner in pediatric healthcare, serving families in Longmont and Boulder, Colorado. With a solid commitment to the well-being of children and teenagers, she goes above and beyond to create an inclusive and welcoming environment for all, including the LGBTQIA+ community, ensuring that everyone feels comfortable and respected in her practice. Specializing in:
General Pediatrics
- Newborn Care
- Well-Child and Preventive Care
- Personalized Primary Care: Tailored healthcare solutions to address the unique needs of each child
- Sick Visits
- Mental Health: Support for depression, anxiety, and ADHD
- Sports Physicals
- Vaccinations
Teens
Dr. Chesney’s services for teens include:
- Birth Control: Providing a range of options, including IUDs, Nexplanon®, birth control pills, Depo shots, and counseling
- Emergency Contraception: Offering Plan B
- Heavy Periods: Dr. Kennedy is here to address and manage heavy and irregular menstrual cycles
- Pregnancy Options & Counseling
- Sexually Transmitted Infections: Offering testing, diagnosis, and treatment